I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
