I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
