Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
