It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
