Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
