i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
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not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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