just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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