I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Did you just see the Batmobile???
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
