Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
