"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
