Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
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