You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
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I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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