do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
