i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Your penis caused this!
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