I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
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Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
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How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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