How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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