Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
