my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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