evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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