my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
