I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
