There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
he just fucked me for my cheese..
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
