Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Porn is love you can see.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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