Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
