I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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