it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Randomize
