Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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