ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Randomize