Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
