You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
