he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
i think we sleep fucked last night...
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
