He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
