Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
