I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
