Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
