yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
God I need to hump something, right now.
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