pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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