If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
