remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
