if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
