It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
