there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
