You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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