I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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