Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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