He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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