Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
