you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
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