my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
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