im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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