distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
