How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
