I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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