First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
