Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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